The Crucial Difference Between Fitting In and Belonging
Confusing them could cost you your happiness
We all crave human connection. Scientist Matthew Lieberman even states that our need to connect is as crucial as our need for food and water. We all have this same basic need, but somehow we’re all mixed up in the ways in which we attempt to achieve this connection.
In my teenage years, I’d go above and beyond trying to avoid standing out of the crowd. I would say anything that would resonate with the group, even if I didn’t resonate with whatever I said. I jumped through every hoop and wore all the right masks, and it still wasn’t enough to make me feel connected. All it left me with was shallow friendships, a nudging feeling of always feeling ‘different’, and way too many hangovers. But that’s life as an insecure teenager.
Many people suffer the same growing up and I think you’ll be able to think of a handful of people in your own life when I describe my teenage self. They will say, wear, and do whatever the group does or whatever they think will be perceived as ‘’cool’’ or ‘’likable’’ as a weak attempt at connection.
Then there’s also the person at the other end of the spectrum who just radiates authenticity and genuineness and is simply magnetic to the right kind of people. They don’t keep up a facade, don’t have a please-validate-me attitude, and certainly don’t try to shrink down their spirit to fit the mold.
If we all crave human connection the same way, how come we all have such different ideas of how to achieve that connection?
Fitting In vs Belonging
We all want to fit in. At least, that seems to be what we think we want. Blending into a crowd is safe, comfortable, risk-free and above all, it’s normal.
But fitting in is nothing more than assessing and adjusting. We are very crafty in that sense and are able to quickly turn on our inner chameleon and shapeshift to match the world around us.
Belonging is the exact opposite.
Whereas fitting in happens purely externally, belonging extends beyond that to something internal. It is the willingness to acknowledge that our belonging isn’t dependent on our actions or the approval of others. It simply is our human right.
Belonging is being accepted for you. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else. — Brené Brown
Where ‘fitting in’ expects you to fit your environment, ‘belonging’ is trusting that your environment will naturally come to fit you.
It’s like wearing clothes: you should not fit into your clothes — your clothes should fit you. ‘Fitting into your clothes’ is what you do when you suffocatingly stuff your body in a size 0 because that’s what the magazines show you as the standard. Getting clothes that fit you is embracing your body as it is, and adjusting your clothes accordingly.
It works the same with fitting in or belonging. Belonging is embracing your nature and adjusting your lifestyle, friends, behaviors, thoughts, and patterns accordingly. Fitting in is shrinking your personality to fit the mold.
‘’He Who Is Brave, Is Free’’ — Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Two little terms: they seem so alike, yet they’re Universes apart. So what’s that thing that puts them on opposite ends of the spectrum?
What distinguishes a person who shies away from their truth just to be validated, from a person who doesn’t care about any of that and lives their best life regardless of what anyone else thinks?
It’s courage.
Belonging to yourself first, before you even care to belong to anything, any place, or anyone else takes courage. A whole lot of it.
Courage to own who you are. Courage to be seen. Courage to stand out of the crowd. Courage to not care about other people’s opinions of you. Courage to write your own story. It’s (at first) not easy to stand out of the crowd, and you won’t be able to do it if you’re scared to leave your safe little bubble of external validation.
On the image above, you see that they are complete opposites. ‘Fitting in’ doesn’t give two shits about whether your behavior matches your true nature, ‘belonging’s only wish is for you to be true to who you are inside. And you can’t have ‘belonging’ if you’re committed to ‘fitting in’.
Brené Brown puts it as follows:
“Fitting in is the greatest barrier to belonging. Fitting in, I’ve discovered during the past decade of research, is assessing situations and groups of people, then twisting yourself into a human pretzel in order to get them to let you hang out with them. Belonging is something else entirely — it’s showing up and letting yourself be seen and known as you really are. You cannot belong when you’re committed to trying to fit in.
That means that you are really either on one or the other end of the spectrum. You can’t be both.
So you’re going to have to choose one. Would you rather be a human pretzel for the rest of your life, or live a purposeful, meaningful, fulfilling life surrounded by people you deeply connect with?
What It Takes To Truly Belong
You owe it to yourself to belong. When you know that the reward is a fulfilling life that matches your true nature, the most worthwhile thing you can do is to say ‘’Fuck it! I’m brave!’’
But that’s easier said than done.
Here are three practical steps to get started:
1. Ignore your brain and tune into your soul
You can’t be true to your values, passions, identity, and dreams if you don’t know what they are. That’s why it’s crucial to take a deep dive into the pits of your soul.
The reason I specifically say ‘soul’ and not ‘brain’ is because your brain is kind of keen on keeping things exactly as they are. Coincidently, your brain is also the one whispering doubt-inducing phrases into your head when you absolutely don’t need them — usually as you’re about to do something that will push you outside of your comfort zone and will push you to grow as a person. ‘’Are you sure you wanna do that?’’ ‘’People are going to think you’re such an attention-seeker’’, ‘’Who are you to give advice?’’. Your ego can be a bit of an asshole sometimes.
Take note of that, and be aware that the ego’s self-appointed job is to help you get what you think you need and to prevent you from losing what you have.
This is where it clashes. When you start living true to yourself to start belonging, it is necessary to lose parts of what you have. That is the whole point. That’s why going against your past behavior is so freaking difficult sometimes.
The soul, on the other hand, is purely rooted in deep-seated love and compassion. The soul wants nothing more than for you to live the life you know deep down belongs to you. If you’re not into spirituality and you find the ‘’soul’’ too much of an abstract or woo-woo concept to grasp, just try to see it as an internal guidance system that will help steer us on the best path that sits well with who we are.
As you get more in tune with your soul it will be much easier to pick up cues and calls from within. But I’d consider this as a good way to start off:
- Get into meditation (which is nothing more than getting quiet, allowing your mind to stop racing at 100 mph, and listening to what might come up without judging it).
- Visualize what kind of life would truly bring you fulfillment. It’s usually not what you think it is. Just visualize different types of lives and scenarios and pay close attention to your body and the emotions it brings up. Whenever I play around with this and visualize a few completely different lives, I automatically get a smile on my face while visualizing some of them. That’s a huge clue.
- Take baby steps in the direction you are being urged to go. If you suddenly feel like pursuing something, whatever you do, do not overthink it. Do not get your mind involved. The mind wants you to stay the same, remember? Just take a baby step in that direction and see how it makes you feel, and how your environment shifts. When your soul gives you a clue, run with it. The more you connect with that voice, the more you’ll start prioritizing your own emotional and physical needs instead of everybody else’s, and the more you start shifting from ‘fitting in’ to ‘belonging’.
2. Enjoy the in-between
Shifting from ‘fitting in’ to ‘belonging’ is scary. Between the moment you push yourself away from trying to fit into the mold until the moment you’ve embraced your authentic self and found belonging with people who are truly your people, there’s usually an empty space.
It’s like jumping from one building to the other. Running to the edge to take a leap of faith, trusting that the next building will be there to catch you. Fitting in is comfortable, belonging is even more comfortable, but it’s the in-between that can be scary. Having broken ties with your shallow surroundings but not quite in the land of belonging yet. The awkward phase between caterpillar and butterfly.
In these times spent up in the air, the most important thing to keep in mind a̶n̶d̶ ̶I̶ ̶d̶o̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶c̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶h̶o̶w̶ ̶c̶o̶r̶n̶y̶ ̶i̶t̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶n̶d̶s̶ is that you have yourself. I’ve been there many times and looking back, every time I was in one of those in-between phases, I’ve gotten to know myself way more than I could have ever done if had still been committed to fitting in. I loved spending time with myself a little more every day, and now it’s impossible for me to imagine ever going back to that need I had for fitting in.
3. Rock the boat
You’ve been sailing smoothly with the winds of fitting in. Truth is, there are just too many people on your boat, and not all of them are truly your people.
When you start owning who you are, living on your own terms, and behaving in a way that aligns with your true nature, you’ll be disturbing those smooth winds that got you where you are. You’re going to be rocking the boat.
And what happens when you rock a boat?
Yup, people are going to go overboard.
But you have nothing to worry about. Because the only people that fall off are the people who were just coasting at the outer ends, leaning on the rail, enjoying the free ride overseas.
When you rock the boat, have faith that the right people will stick around and thank the ones who don’t for decluttering your life.
If right now you’re thinking of a group of people but you’re not sure where you’re currently at on the fitting in/belonging scale, ask yourself this:
How do I feel whilst/after spending time with those people?
That should point you in the right direction.
Parting Note From An In-Betweener
I am a completely different person than I used to be. (Which is kind of the point of life and why all of us Medium readers are addicted to self-help content).
Am I in the warm waters of belonging yet? Maybe not quite in the sense of how I relate to other people yet. But the whole point of belonging is that you belong to yourself before you belong anywhere else. You go on endless dates with your intuition, turning more and more into the real you with every passing day. I’m learning to listen to my gut and when I do pursue those nudges from within, I can tell from everything around me that I’m on the right track.
I don’t care about being different than other people anymore. It taught me that you can easily change circles whenever you want, or roam free without a circle for a while if that’s what you need.
I believe that transformation isn’t linear and as long as you’re able to look back at your past self and think to yourself, ‘’Yikes’’… Well, then you’ve come a long way.
If you’re still fully on the human pretzel side of the spectrum, remember this: Fitting in is changing who you are. Belonging is simply being who you are.
Doesn’t that sound a whole lot easier?
